I’m sitting in my favorite cafe in Bucaramanga. The waitress has just brought me my typical order — black americano and carrot cake. When the coast is clear I whip out my iPhone in its battered opaque case. My face mask is already off making for a swift unlock. Two swipes and I’m in Bumble. Boom, I’ve matched with the hot Colombiana I swiped right on earlier. And she’s dropped a “Hola, Como estás?”
“Here we go Nicky boy”, I think to myself. Don’t fuck this up.
I’m straight in to investigate her profile a bit more. See what witty response I can come back with.
She’s 76 km away! Tragic.
I’m pretty sure I said something along the lines of “porque tan lejoss” or why so far away in English.
Bumble (as I’ll refer to her for privacy) says it’s only about 2 hours by bus. She has a point even if the name of her city Bucarracabermeja looks like someone vomited up the letters from a game of Scrabble.
Anyway, we’re now engaged in a nice back and forth. The conversation is playful and although we’re only messaging there’s something about this girl I like.
She jokingly says “Why don’t you come and see me?”
By this point in the afternoon, I’d switched coffee for beer and the cafe for BBC — a chain of artisanal beer bars in Colombia. It’s a good vibe and the busiest I’ve seen anywhere in the city. It reminded me of a Saturday afternoon in Shoreditch during the one hot weekend of a British summer. The waitress comes over and asks me if I want another.
“Sure, but something not quite as strong”, I say.
I could feel that 6% IPA going to my head.
Bumble and I’s relationship is moving quickly. We’re now chatting via WhatsApp. My Spanish is deteriorating rapidly with each cerveza slurp.
By the time I’m in my flat we’ve arranged to meet in the city that I can’t spell, let alone pronounce.
I wake up Sunday morning. The sun is already high in the sky. But despite the 3 beers from last night I feel good and up for an adventure.
I reply to Bumble “Okay!” and if she can send me a voice note with the correct pronunciation of Barrancabermeja for when I’m in the bus terminal.
A couple of Barrancabermeja rehearsals later and I’m on my way.
“What the fuck I’m am doing”, I say to myself as I realize not a soul on this earth knows where I am.
Bumble messages me to say I need to get off at plaza descabezado
(That means decapitated in Spanish.)
Now the standard pre-date nerves have kicked in.
I’m off the bus and in a taxi before anyone has the chance to cut off my head.
The first thing I notice is the impressive heat. Wikipedia wasn’t lying when it said Bucaracabermeja is the hottest city in Colombia.
I’d barely wiped the sweat from my face as we turned the corner onto her road.
And there she is. Even prettier than her photos. And with a smile that could disarm the most Karen of Karens trying to return a pair of worn shoes.
I introduce myself to her family and it down in front of a typical Colombian lunch. Bumbles grandma insists on feeding me all sorts of goodness.
I’d gone from bored alone to playing bingo with a family in a city most people probably avoid altogether.
A brief history of Bucarrabermeja
In 1536 (when the colonization of South America was in full swing), the Spanish set about finding the source of the river Magdalena — a river that connects ports in Buenaventura on the pacific coast and Barranquilla. During this adventure, they arrived at Barrancabermeja, the home of the indigenous Yariguies tribe. They discovered the tribe using a thick black substance to help keep tiredness at bay. The Spaniards realized this substance was petroleum and that it could come in handy (little did they know). So, given the newfound natural resources and strategic location of the river, they decided to set up shop.
If it wasn’t for that, I can’t imagine anyone would willingly stay there. The heat is like getting off a plane in a hot country while someone points hair dryers at every inch of your body.
Anyway, back to the bingo. As we played, we could barely hear each other over the two ceiling fans blowing hot air at us. At one point, I thought we were going to take off like a Chinook helicopter. A few games later Bumble and I decided to do some tourism and headed to the river by taxi.
I was genuinely excited to see the Magdelena. It separates the Colombian provinces of Santander and Antioquia. And on a few occasions during my time exploring Antioquia I’d seen the river Magdelena weaving its way through the mountain ranges of the Andes. Being on it seemed quite fitting.
We bundled onto a boat that didn’t look particularly sea-worthy. Our combined weight sunk us to just above sea level. I’m sure we even took on some water when the skipper climbed over us to fire up the engine. The motor coughed and spluttered into action leaving Bumble and I sitting in a cloud of blue smoke. We pulled away from the dock into new waters and more importantly fresh air.
On the left, pure nature and the silhouette of the jungle. On the right, concrete and the rusted jungle of the oil refinery. It looked like a multiplayer map from Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. I lent over to Bumble and said “So ugly!”
“What? Me?’” she said.
If the ice wasn’t broken before, it was now. We had a vibe and now it seemed the same sense of humor.
20 minutes later we docked in a small village. I laid out my life vest on a ridge next to the water for us to sit down. Our energy was as strong as the sun starting to set behind the distant jungle. The next time we looked at each other I went in for the kiss. Everything felt just right but after a few moments, Bumble pulled back distressed. I turned to my right and a pig was heading right for us. We both pulled back this time. Fortunately, It settled for chewing on my life jacket rather than us.
With the sun now spewing an orange haze across the sky we made our way back to Barrancabermeja. On the way, I couldn’t help but think it was the most random first date I’ll probably ever have.
Bumble and I enjoyed the next few days together in Bucaramanga. And we plan on meeting up again when I’m back in Colombia. It’s crazy how this adventure only happened because of a chance encounter on a dating app. And just as I was feeling intense loneliness and longed for a special connection. That’s why despite my loathing of social media and dating applications I can’t help but feel they have their place. If anything for the crazy adventures we go on looking for love.
