Lost Soul: Chapter Fourteen
A boy’s quest to remember his true nature [Fantasy fiction inspired by an ayahuasca journey in Putumayo, Colombia]
The boy’s eyes snapped open. Through blurred vision, he just about made out Ivaylo disappearing into the ground — his wolf’s claws clinging onto his coattails for dear life while disappearing after him. Before he could register what was going on, his wrists, too, were bound by off-white vines sprouting from the ground. His arms lengthened in their sockets, and he was dragged in the direction Ivaylo had vanished. The black rock beneath him gave way like sand falling from an hourglass. Deeper and deeper, he fell. He expected to feel more pain, more suffering. Certainly not a familiar gruff voice.
“Take it easy there, laddy”
The boy pushed the squidgy surface away from him, leaving behind little hand imprints. He poked again at the surface with his index finger– still unsure about whatever he lay upon.
Alexander sandwiched the boy’s chest with his huge hands and guided him up. “Here, sit up; I’ve got ya.”
“Are we de-dead?” Asked the boy
Alexander laughed nervously. “No, laddy. Not in the sense you speak of, anyway. Though, our fungi friends do appear to of saved our bacon for the second time”
The boy pointed down at the squidgy surface.
Alexander nodded and smiled a thin-lipped smile.
“Wow!” The boy said, awe-struck. You’ve met before? Asked Alexander.
The boy let himself flop back down, caressing his own body as if he were lathering up in the shower. He allowed the warm, fuzzy feeling to take over. No fear. Only love.
“Where are Ivaylo and Andrea?”
“We’re here!” Their harmonious cry sounded like the sweetest symphony to the boy’s ears. The boy could make out his friend’s faces peering over their burger bun-like red mushroom tops. Their long stalks flexed and bent and shimmered electric blue in the darkness.
“Hold on! We’re coming down,” yelled Andrea.
Andrea took a leap of faith and another gigantic mushroom swooped in from the darkness, lining up in front of Andrea and Ivaylo’s like steps.
They both hopped down the mushrooms as though they were lilies in a pond, before finally leaping into a group hug that lifted their spirits and saw tears swell in their eyes. Even Alexander couldn’t push his emotions to one side. Wherever they were, the frequency was pure love.
“I’m sorry…” Andrea said, her eyes filling with tears.
“…It’s just that I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to each one of you! We still must go back out there. Into the darkness. What if the Healer is wrong? What if we fail?” Andrea sobbed.
It’s okay the boy said, taking her hand. Ivaylo took the other.
I’m- I’m sorry, she said, and the wall of tears came streaming out like a burst damn.
The companions didn’t expect to hear any doubt from Andrea. In fact, it was the first time they’d heard her say something negative.
“There’s always a chance we’ll fail,” Alexander said, draping his arm around her shoulder. “And there’s always a chance we’ll succeed.”
“I’ve failed so many times in my lifetimes,” she said, between sobs and stifled sniffles.
Alexander pulled out a well-used off-white handkerchief and passed it to Andrea. It looked like a pillowcase in her hands. “Thank you,” she said, forcing a smile and blotching her eyes while avoiding the meaty stains.
You know, I’ve always been the “happy one”. I had to be. I had to be there for those in need. On Atlantis, on Earth. I couldn’t show any weakness when I’m the one who needs to be there for others. I’m sorry. Please don’t think any less of me.” Andrea’s eyes didn’t move from a spot on the mushroom.
“Less of you! ” Alexander blurted out
Ivaylo cupped her jaw in his hands and pulled her face up to his. Her gaze didn’t move.
The boy slowly backed away towards Alexander. They braced themselves for another splintering display of white light.
Just as Ivaylo brought his lips but a thread’s distance from Andrea’s, the mushroom they’d crammed onto began to tremble. The mushroom cap was now shaking more and more violently. The companions crouched down, panicked, confused. Then a crack that sounded like a sheet of ice breaking away from a glacier reverberated around the space. In flooded thick, menacing dark cloud hurtling towards them at a frightening speed.
Without a moment’s hesitation, veins of mycelium shot up like magical beanstalks, its vines twisting and wrapping to create a protective cocome around the companions. The last hole in the cocoon sealed shut milliseconds before the dark cloud clattered against the outside. Ivaylo lit the inside. Now they could see the terror on each other’s faces.
With the inside walls flexing under the pressure of the darkness, the mycelium capsule took off. At first, it struggled to gain momentum. It bucked, bounced, and battled against the darkness. From the outside, it looked like a tulip fighting its way through hard soil longing for its first glimpse of the sun.
Alexander punched the now lifeless fungi cocoon. And again. And again. The third strike penetrated the mycelium, sending them back into the realm they gladly left and now reluctantly had to return.
He pulled at the rubbery mycelium, ripping a big enough hole for them to climb out and causing an influx of rubble in the process. Alexander hauled himself out first, then hoisted the boy out by the neck of his sweater. Ivaylo climbed out effortlessly, and an ashen-covered Andrea darted back into the open, twirling the soot from her majestic feathers.
Alexander grabbed her tail before she got too high, then, with both hands motioned towards the ground, and put his index finger to his lips. The companions crouched down in perfect synchronicity.
“Stay low and quiet,” said Alexender. “Shadow demons will be passing through the portal in droves.”
Demons? Said the boy, a little too loudly.
Alexander glared at him and raised his index finger to his lips once more.
“Wait here,” Alexander mouthed back, motioning to the ground in front of him. He turned on his heel and began leopard crawling up the mound like a well-seasoned soldier. Ivaylo followed (to which Alexander reluctantly agreed).
Andrea stayed with the boy. “The shadow demons embody the darkness,” she said. They’re like the souls you saw at the portals in the realm of infinite possibilities. This means we’re close to the upside-down passage — the shadow portal to the human realm. They feed off fear, doubt, greed, pride, and anything they can transform into darkness, like them.”
“Really? But I’ve felt all of those things…”
“We all have demons, little one. The dark shadow to our exuberant light. No one is immune. Sometimes they’re big, sometimes they’re small. Easy to find. Sometimes they do a great job of hiding and controlling us without us even knowing. It’s our work to root them out, shine our inherent light on them, and master them.”
Before the boy could respond, a shard of rock shaved past his ear followed by a mini avalanche and Alexander and Ivayo bum slide racing down the mound. They came to an abrupt halt in front of the boy and Andrea.
“I definitely won!,” said Ivaylo, excitement etched on his tanned face.
“Ay, I’ll give ya that one, pretty boy,” replied Alexander, prying out a piece of rock wedged up his nose.
The boy and Andrea looked at each other, confused. “Got to keep the spirits up in this hell awful place,” said Alexander, reading their minds.
“So, the good news… the shadow demons left for the upside-down passage.”
“And the bad news?” Andrea asked.
“We’ve got to follow ‘em’ in.”
“And how do we go about that?” She replied.
Alexander looked over his left shoulder at Torus Mountain. It looked calm. “We can make it before the next flux.”
They knew what that meant. Everything they’d be told. Everything they’d lived through, for better or worse cumulated to this moment.
“I’m scared,” The boy stuttered
“Same, champ”
“Me too, little one”
“I feel ya, laddy,” His companions said, almost in unison.
“Facing down shadow demons requires a lot of courage, laddy.” Said Alexander. “You’ve shown immense courage to get this far. And you know we’re here for you no matter what.” A wry smile broke out on the boy’s face. He knew he wasn’t alone, he never was.
His mind raced and his legs felt like lead as they pushed on toward the mountain.
Now he could see her. She was surrounded by a deep ravine, like a moat surrounding a castle. The blood-red sky raged with lightning that forked off in random directions, cutting through dark clouds.
We’ve got to walk all the way up there? Asked the boy.
“No, laddy. We ain’t going up there… we’re going down there.”
The boy looked down. His consciousness felt as though it were being ripped from his grey, dull body. It showed him his weakness, his unworthiness. The whispers returned as screams rang true in his heart: Life is suffering; you’re not good enough, don’t even bother.
“Easy now, laddy,” Alexander said, pulling the boy back by his shoulders. “The upsidedown passage is the shadow portal to the human dimension. Whatever you hear there isn’t true, not at all, but it will seem the truest thing you’ve ever heard”
“And you want me to go in there?” Said the boy.
“It’s not about what we want,” said Andrea. “This is about you. You’ve listened to your heart since we found each other. Whatever you find in there might require more courage than ever, but we believe in you.”
The boy looked down at his grey, semi-transparent hands. Then he looked at his companions, glowing and vibrant.
“You’ve faced your shadow demons, haven’t you,” He said.
“Yes, laddy. More than once. The battle is the journey. When you take the first step, there is no going back. You’re on the path to remembering your truth. The divine being you always have been and always will be.”
The boy looked each of his friends in the eyes, hopefully. “Can you come with me?”
They held his gaze. They knew they’d played their part in the boy’s story, for now, anyway.
Alexander placed his hand on the boy’s shoulders, Andrea touched his heart, and Ivaylo and his wolf gripped his hands leading him forward.
“This battle must be fought on your own, but we will always be with you.” Their voices no longer sounded any different from the one in his head.
The path became clear. Taking the next step would need the courage, open heart, and strength his friends had taught him up to now. They played their part and were gone. Now alone, but not really alone, the boy took his first step toward the darkness.
One step at a time, he said to himself, blocking out the urge in every sinew of his body to turn back. Turn back to what? Answering the feeling with a thought. More of the same?
The conversation with himself puzzled him. He realised he wasn’t alone in his head. Wait, who am I even talking to? He thought. That voice isn’t mine. Why would I doubt myself? Why would I trap myself? Why would I dim my light?
The questions kept coming as if he was peeling away the layers of an onion. For the first time, he questioned the voices that had held him back from living his entire life.
“I don’t want to be imprisoned by this anymore! I’ll do anything!” He screamed into the darkness.
And then he began to fall. He didn’t hit hard, cold ground. No. He just kept on falling. Memories of his human life flickered all around him like a home movie playing on an old film strip projector. Moments he had forgotten or simply was too young to remember. He saw how he came into the human world. A perfect young soul, pure and bright, eager to learn, love, and evolve — held in the loving arms of his beautiful mother and father. Those first years were divine. He charmed everyone with his gummy smile and warm eyes. Even as he remembered, he only felt love, oblivious to a time when obstacles would be put in love’s way.
As he saw himself grow, so did his perception of the world. It wasn’t all hugs and kisses. His loving parents didn’t seem to love each other anymore, his father no longer bounced him in his strong, safe arms, and his mother’s smile faded.
That was the first time he questioned whether they loved him. Not consciously, of course. He knew they did, dearly. But his unconscious mind had other ideas. The doubt slipped through the back door of the psyche, the unconscious mind. That’s where the darkness planted its rotten roots.
He remembered the time he played football as a kid, proud as punch of his passion and talent for the beautiful game, but his dad chose to wait in the parking lot. He never watched his son do what he loved. Another rotten root dug deeper, You’ll never be good enough for. These seemingly small events piled up, hardening in parts of the mind the boy didn’t know existed. Unknowingly to him, they’d mold his behavior and perception of the world until the moment came. And now it had.
The boy continued tumbling through the darkness, splayed out, spinning. As he fell he saw projections of other lives, lives far more troubled than his. Life events that would cause deep, thick roots in human minds unable to process unimaginable tragedy. Suddenly, his human life didn’t seem so bad; guilt replaced sorrow in his mind. Feeling guilty for feeling bad…that’s a new one, he thought. His frustration boiled over. “I want this to stop! I just want to be happy. I want everyone to be happy,” He screamed out loud or in his head, it didn’t matter.
Then, as if answering his cry, something in his heart clicked, as if the penny had finally dropped.
He wasn’t responsible for what happened to him, but he was responsible for his life, his happiness.
He stopped falling. Suspended in the darkness, like an astronaut floating in space. No more images of his life or the lives of others. His mind fell silent perhaps for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity, a single black-and-white projection popped into the void. This time it didn’t show a memory, it showed a boy. A small, semi-transparent boy covered by a dark mist. The boy asked the boy, “Who are you?” To which the boy replied simultaneously, “Who are you?”
The boy raised an arm above his head. As did the projected boy. The boy tilted his head forward. As did the projected boy. He flinched in horror. He was looking at his reflection for the first time. He saw a wounded boy shrouded in darkness. The darkness he had been running from most of his life.
The projected boy stepped out of the projection into the void as if he’d stepped onto an invisible bridge. In one, two, three steps they stood almost nose to nose.
“You’re ready,” he said. And with that, the projected boy touched the boy’s chest with the flat of his palm. A violent pang jolted him upright and he felt a swirling milkyway of darkness inside him. Now he could see it, feel it, like a living entity. His body began to shake and his eyes filled with tears. All he could do was allow the sensation to be. Instead of fighting it, he gave it his full attention, shining his dim but everpresent light onto it. It seemed to work. The darkness felt as if it was being pushed out of his body. It wrestled with him. It had no intention of leaving. But the boy had no intention of giving up either. He stayed with the discomfort, using his hands to force it out of him. And then it was gone.
The water in his eyes burst like a damn and relief swept over him like he’d never felt before.
Now he could see the darkness for what it was. A part of him. Something he could look at and understand. He didn’t have to run away, search for answers, or learn something new. He already had the answers. He just had to remember.
He understood, all along, that the battle was one of compassion and self-love — despite life’s trials. He knew the journey wasn’t over, but it had begun, at least. His revelations were met with a thick beam of white light shining through the darkness, snapping the boy out of his moment of revelation.
He covered his eyes with the crook of his elbow, but curiosity got the better of him. He peeked one squinty eye over his elbow and scanned the area.
Out of the light, an object was hurtling towards him. It could have been a rocket, meteorite, shooting star, or anything. He dropped his arms to his sides and closed his eyes; free from fear. He didn’t know what a high-impact collision between a small boy and a rocket would feel like, but he certainly didn’t expect a familiar, warm loving sensation like a big hug from his grandma to sweep through him.
He relaxed his face and opened his eyes. He was being cradled, not by grandma’s arms, but by giant talons. They were black, long, and sharp like scimitars. They clamped down on the boy’s body just enough so he didn’t slip out as they banked hard left.
Up and up they flew, like a rocket fighting against the pull of gravity. And then they pierced through the light as if punching through the atmosphere into effortless space.
His rescuer beat its wings, now fully extended, like two sails. They glided through the blood-red sky above the dark cloud that still spat forks of lightning. Totus Mountain grumbled below them. Out of reach. Almost out of sight.
“Where are we going?” Said the boy
The bird of prey cranked its white feathered neck all the way around until one beady, yellow irised eye stared into the boy’s soul.
The word “Home” sounded in his heart.
The boy mustered two more words, “Thank you”. And allowed himself to rest limply in the grip that helped pull him out of the darkness.
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