Lost Soul: Chapter Thirteen
A boy’s quest to remember his true nature [Fantasy fiction inspired by an ayahuasca journey in Putumayo, Colombia]
The boy thumped into the back of Alexander as if he’d crashed into someone too slow to get off a slide. Wherever they’d landed, it didn’t feel as loving and joyous as where they’d come from. The ground was cold and sticky and the energy dense and restrictive. The sky glowed blood red, dotted with dying stars that gave just enough light to see Ivaylo’s pale complexion.
Ivaylo illuminated the area. The light bounced off ice-cold jagged rock which stood no more than two meters on either side of them. If Alexander’s shoulders were any wider, he’d be wedged and stuck. The boy took in his surroundings and realised he’d seen this place before — only last time he was looking down on this icy ravine.
“Looks like we made it,” Said Alexander, wiping away a soggy carrot from his chin with the back of his hand.
“What is this place?” The boy asked.
“This is the upsidedown passage, lad. One of the ways into Torus Mountain.”
“The Shadow Realm,” Andrea said with wonder.
“It goes by that name as well, aye.” Replied Alexander.
“So this is where you made your stand?” Said Ivaylo, running his fingers across the jagged rock. He felt the ore-like surface rock whisper to his soul. It didn’t feel bad or good, but he couldn’t ignore its allure.
“Where we made our stand, yes.” Replied Alexander. “Great warriors with more courage than.”
“We best keep moving, eh. And be careful, the shadow realm has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it.” Alexander added, darting a telling glaze at Ivaylo, who quickly glued his hands to his sides.
The boy contemplated what Alexander had said, trying to piece together the messy puzzle in his head.
He’d been here before. Or at least seen this place before in the golden spectacles. He soared over that exact ravine. He saw Andrea in Ivaylo’s arms. Should he tell Andrea what he saw? He thought to himself.
“Tell what?”
The boy jumped, unaware if the voice came from Andrea or somewhere inside his head. The others and Andrea didn’t react.
“Who are you?” He muttered under his breath.
“Shh, they’ll hear you. I’m inside your head.”
You’re what? Who are you? The boy repeated to himself.
“The more appropriate question is… who are you? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not who you’ve been told.”
“Here. Let me help you remember.” The voice inside the boy’s head twisted and turned, and memories began floating into his mind like rain clouds on a dank, dreary day. In the movie in his mind, he was at home. A little boy cowering away behind a banister from the raised, aggressive voices downstairs. His parents argued more than they loved. He wished so much for them to be happy. He wanted to make them feel better but he wasn’t good enough to fix things. The constant rows reaffirmed his belief I am not enough. And there it remained, firm, inside his human body like a toxic oil slick contaminating crystalline water.
“Boyo, Boyo!” Said Alexander, kneeling to the boy’s eye level and shaking him back and forth with his great mits.
The boy snapped out of his train of thought and came back to wherever they were. The voice in his head had gone.
“Careful, laddy. Dark thoughts can take hold of you here. Even more so than on Earth. The same goes for all of you. If you’re going to make it through this realm, you need to observe the darkness from the seat of your soul. Ask yourself: who is aware of the darkness? Don’t allow it to consume you.”
“That’s right,” said Andrea. “Remember, you are pure light despite how dark it may seem sometimes. Observe, and it will pass.”
Ivaylo closed his eyes, brought his hands to his heart, and took some long, deep inhales through his nose.
“Good,” said Andrea.
The boy brushed himself off and closed his eyes, giving Ivaylo’s mediation a shot. His mind felt clearer, but he still felt the heaviness in his heart. His light couldn’t penetrate the dense emotion solidified around his heart like sun-baked mud on a greenhouse window.
Andrea placed her delicate hand on this boy’s heart. She shimmered with radiant positivity even in such a dark place devoid of hope.
“You will remember,” she said. I know it seems impossible right now, but you will”
More whispers from the darkness did their best to halt the companion’s advance. Alexander and Andrea guided Ivaylo and the boy forward. Ivaylo, although a courageous young soul, hadn’t been tested like this. Even with his most precious charms, there were times he needed the caress of Andrea to help him take the next step into the unknown.
Another dark cloud came into the boy’s scattered mind. Then another. And another. A million voices and their opinions, their judgments. The way they wished things were. Each voice gave birth to a new voice. The boy gripped his head with his trembling hands. He screamed silently for the voices to stop. He felt alone in his torment. All alone.
One voice told him he should give up, he’ll never get to Torus Mountain; he’s not good enough, so what’s the point in even trying? The boy bowed his head and pulled air into his lungs until they were so full they felt like they’d burst into flames. He kept breathing deeply, observing the darkness as though it was a stranger in the night. But he couldn’t help but wonder: If the voices weren’t his, then whose were they?
The ravine’s narrow crevice opened up and spewed the companions out onto the base of a mountain. The darkness swallowed the light from Ivaylo’s charm. The resistance felt even stronger, as though they were trudging through a boggy swamp up to the knees. Rolling thunder reverberated through them.
Why am I here? Ivaylo said to himself, void of any substance in his voice. Doubt had begun rooting deeper into his mind like weeds between the cracks of a weather-worn patio. His wolf dragged him along by the already tattered sleeve of his jacket. Not for the first time. His power animal had given him the strength to move forward despite doubt, despite fear, more times than he could remember.
Andrea cupped his other hand, offering him her light. She’d given herself selflessly for eternities which wasn’t going to stop now even though her heart ached with the weight of a thousand souls. She’d accepted her healing path. Come to treasure it.
The boy charged forward alongside Alexander. His demeanor was now different. Steely and focused. His shoulder pulled back, chin up, and purpose in his stride. The grit that had got him this far was on show for all to see.
“Slow down there, laddy” Said Alexander, putting one of his mits on the boy’s shoulder. “The portal will open up soon and this place’ll be swarming with the darkness.”
The boy snapped his head around, startled.
“How do you know?” Asked the boy.
“You can’t feel it? Just as well.”
“I think I did,” said the boy. “I felt a heaviness in my mind and body. Like everything was moving in slow motion in one of those nightmares where you can’t run away. But now I feel strength. It’s strange. It feels familiar. Like I’ve had this strength all along.
“Hmm, well ang to that strength, laddy.” Alexander beckoned over to Ivaylo and Andrea with a flick of his head. When the darkness takes hold, it’s hard to bring yourself back up from the negative spiral. You need your guides, and your loved ones close.
Looking back down the gentle slope, Andrea and Ivaylo’s wolf were the perfect picture of Alexander’s words.
Without a word, they grasped each other’s hand and returned to their friends. The boy heaved one of Ivaylo’s arms over this shoulder as though he was helping an injured soldier off the front line. Alexander did the same which saw Ivaylo lift completely off the floor.
Ivaylo’s lifeless expression began blooming back to life like a sunflower absorbing the first rays of sunshine for the day. His toothy smile came back. He came back. Andrea couldn’t contain her joy. She burst with all the colours of the rainbow. The boy hadn’t seen her this joyous since the day they met. Unable to compose herself any longer, she zoomed up to Ivayo who was still hanging from Alexander’s shoulder; pulled his head close through his thick, dark hair, and planted a juicy kiss on his lips. An intense white light burst out of the souls, engulfing them. For a moment they disappeared, their frequency too much for the shadow realm. They pulled back, lost for words, both as shocked as each other. Before anyone could break the tension, a thick, black cloud blasted out of the mountain like an old car exhaust.
“Quick! This way,” said Alexander.
He all but dragged them behind a huge rock, jutting out of the plain at the base of the mountain. Now hidden, at least for now, Alexander began scouring the ground.
“Come on, come on,” he said to himself, the first time the companions had heard him with panic in his voice.
Ivaylo’s wolf sprang into action, darting about, snout quivering. Before anyone could utter a word, both white paws dug into the charcoal-black dirt beneath them. And then they saw it. One tiny white dot surrounded by blackness. The spore glistened a beautiful blue as though luring the companions in.
“There! Everyone, DIG!”
Without a moment’s hesitation, the companions shoveled away at the ice-cold, rock with their cupped hands, leaving growing mounds of black rock behind them. Despite the frantic digging, the white fungi stem stood strong, guiding their effort through the darkness, deeper and deeper. At the exact moment, they hit a squidgy red and white dotted surface, silence ensued. Deathly silence. As if the very essence of life had been sucked from existence. The blast from the mountain stopped. The already heavy energy thickened. And the blood-red sky was covered by a veil of dark, black clouds, now falling to the ground.
If there were such a thing as time, it would have slowed down to a sloth’s pace. And if there were such a thing as air, it would have been as thick as mud.
Dark thoughts ran rampant. The whispers they’d heard, observed, and let go of, became their only thoughts. Although they were no more than intruders, they identified with them completely. The observer, the beacon of light, the seat of the soul, dimmed to nothing more than a speck in the night sky. It felt like the end.
The companions crumpled to the ground, and the darkness covered them like freshly laid snow. All that remained was their shadow.
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